Men You Should Never Date

This article is currently "trending" on my Facebook homepage. Just from the headline ("Women You Should Never Date"), even before I clicked on it, I knew it was going to irritate me. And I was right. Though the author seems to be trying to avoid generalisations ("Firstly, not all women nag"), the article is still pretty fill of stereotyped problems that woman apparently have. 

So, I wrote an article in response. It's nearly identical to the MensXP article, with the gender flipped and a few lines added/editted/removed. I removed and edited a "category", and added a new one. What other problems in guys should we notice and avoid? Let me know what you think!

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Ladies, this article is one you should take a print out of and carry in your pocket at all times simply because it will give you a very vivid picture of the kind of men you MUST NOT DATE. I am sure at some stage in your life you must have fallen for the wrong guy and then shed many-a-tear over him. In case you have been lucky and escaped such trauma, congratulations!

You must keep the distance if and when you come across men with traits as described below.

1. The Possessive/Obsessive Stalker
He gets upset the moment you look at another man and gets jealous when you talk to another man? He doesn’t like you having close guy friends and questions you incessantly about them? He likes it when you wear his favourite outfit but minds it if you don’t wear what he likes and wants you to wear? He doesn’t like you going out with your friends without him? He doesn't take no for an answer?

If the answer to the above questions is a yes then you NEED to NOT see him ever again. Some men get possessive, obsessive and dominating to the point that they suffocate you and thus stunt your growth as a human being. You cannot and should not become his shadow or a person of his liking alone. Protect your identity and guard your self-respect by giving him the boot.

2. The Attention Seeker

Many men like to get as much attention as possible from their girlfriends. But some men make a nasty habit out of it. They want to be the centre of your life and hate it when the attention shifts. They don’t like you going out with your friends without them. They don’t like you having a life that doesn’t involve them. Let’s be practical. It is wrong of your boyfriend to want to be the centre of your life for an indefinite period of time. After all, you have friends, family, work which deserve your attention as well, that you want to give attention to. As soon as you realise he is asking way too much of your time and that he is crawling into your personal space, ask him to back off. If the problem persists after repeated warnings, it is advisable for you to back off.

3. The Hero Complex

Some men love to be the hero in a girl’s life. It might work when you want him to help, but other times, it can encroach on your independence and make you feel like you can’t take care of yourself. He might pay for you more often than you are want (if ever), or buy you things though you’re not comfortable with accepting gifts. He might insist on carrying things you’re perfectly happy carrying yourself, or do you favours that you don’t want. Don’t let him take over problems you want to solve yourself, or help out unnecessarily.

4. The Material and Selfish Boy
If he’s only after your money, he’s no good. If he only wants sex and a “good time”, he’s no good (unless that’s what you want too). If he is only after emotional counseling for himself, then he is no good. He will distance himself from you when he finds another woman he is attracted to or when your pocket or emotional strength weakens. Building ties with him is futile and so is expecting a give-and-take, equal relationship.

And I’ll add a crucially important one:

5. The Sexist Boy

If he makes broad generalizations about women, stay away. If he tries to dominate you or the relationship just because he’s a man, stay away. If he expects you to do what he says and not contradict or argue, stay away. If he has expectations of you based on you being a woman, stay away. If he subscribes to and believes in stereotypes, stay away. If he expects you to prioritise his career over yours just because he’s a man, stay away.  If he ever makes you feel small or inferior because he thinks the choices you made are not in line with “what a woman should do”, kick him in the balls and then stay away.

I Need Feminism Because..

This blog on tumblr is pretty awesome. And it got me thinking about something I've wanted to write for a long time, but been too lazy to - one thing that I really detest about sexism.

I think absolutely everything about sexism is wrong. I can't choose one aspect that is "wronger" than the others. I've been lucky - personally, I haven't faced much sexism. But lately, the one thing that is really affecting me personally and I am really starting to detest is the tendency of people to attribute a lot of things a woman does to her gender.

"She doesn't like sports? Of course, she's a girl!" "She doesn't like beer? Of course, girls don't." "She wants to get married and have kids? That's what girls want!" "You're fighting with a friend/boyfriend? You're a girl, must be PMS." "Of course you like cooking/shopping/cleaning/talking on the phone/trying on clothes/using make-up, you're a girl!"

I've seen this attitude a lot lately, in men and in women. Attributing everything to "being a girl" not only offends and stereotypes women as a whole, but also discounts me as a person with personal beliefs and thoughts and desires that do not stem from "being a girl". And the thing that makes me the most uncomfortable about this attitude is the obligation I feel to modify my own behaviour! If I want to go shopping, I try not to mention it to people I know will crack a you're-such-a-girl joke. I avoid using make-up even though I'd like to put some, just to break a stereotype. I try to minimise the time I take to get ready, because if I'm late, it's not just my fault, it's the fault of all women. And if I ever do skip dessert or try to cut calories, I excuse it as being full or not in the mood, because god forbid my efforts to lose weight prove to some jackass that all women want to be "thin and beautiful".

At the same time, I catch myself feeling "proud" of things that I like/do that break stereotypes. For example, I don't want to get married and have children. I feel the need to make sure everyone knows that, just so they know that there are women out there who want different things. I feel proud of not wanting children, because I feel I'm breaking a stereotype. I like beer, I don't want a boyfriend, I like one night stands, I'm not too fond of pink, I follow politics, I dislike cooking and on and on and on. These are not things that should inspire either pride or shame. Liking pink is not something a feminist should be ashamed of, just as not liking pink is not something a feminist should be proud of. By feeling proud of the ways I break stereotypes, I'm feeding the stereotypes and making women who are different feel worse.

A friend once told me that she wants to have lots of children and grandchildren. And she immediately apologised for being such a "bad feminist". She felt bad for wanting the "conventional" things. Another friend said the same thing when she told me she wants to get married and start a family early. That is not the point of feminism! Feminism says that women are free to choose what they want without being hampered by their gender. You can choose to have seven kids or no kids, to get married at 23 or 30 or never, to use lots of make-up or none at all, to wear only pink or no pink, to like sports or hate sports, to drink beer or drink Cosmopolitans. We should do what we want out of free choice, and without our personal choices reflecting on our gender as a whole.

So, for the Who Needs Feminism blog: I need feminism because I want to be proud of my choices because they're the right ones for me, not because they break a stupid sexist stereotype of women.

Misuse of The "Elegant Sari"

A friend told me about this article in the Calcutta newspaper 'The Telegraph' today. The article talks about how the Bengal government didn't take any action against bandhs organised by "so-called Congress supporters" in Calcutta; how the police stood to one side and let the bandh supporters torch buses and ransack private property. I don't know anything about this claim, and that's not what my friend wanted me to see in the article. He thought that I would like to see the picture that the Telegraph printed with the article, on the front page of today's newspaper. He was right.

The article doesn't interest me as much as the picture does. The photo is a depiction of the Police Commissioner, Director General of Police, the Chief Minister, the Chief Secretary and the Home Secretary of the Government of West Bengal. All wearing saris.

The article doesn't explain the picture, but it seems clear that the saris are meant to emphasise the inaction of the administrators the article holds responsible. The masculinity, strength, power and abilities of the five men have been challenged by showing them in saris. The picture says "Depict the men as women, because after all, their inaction and inability to control the bandhs shows that they are women". Women are the ones who are incapable of handling a tough job and helping run a state or a city. They are the ones who should stay home in their saris and leave the real work to the men, so how are these men any different from women?

And to top it off, the caption below the picture reads "We apologise to women who may feel the elegant sari has been wasted on our administrators". Because, of course, the first thing that will enter a woman's mind after seeing the picture will be "Oh my god, how can they waste our precious saris on such useless men?? They are not worthy of wearing them!" Annoyance and indignation at the gender discrimination and the extreme sexist statement made by a state newspaper are unlikely to occur. Since, you know, our job is to wear the "elegant sari" and stay home while the men are taking care of the country.

This pictures brings up something I've always wondered about: why is that for men, being called a "girl" is such an insult? There is a guy in my college that a lot of us don't like. To make fun of him, many guys (and some girls also) say that he's "such a girl trapped in a guy's body". I don't understand why this is such an insult. Even if, for the sake of argument, I assume that having an interest in fashion and cooking, and shaking your hips and hair while dancing, and liking to shop, are "feminine", I still don't get why a guy being "feminine" is something to be ashamed of and made fun of.

So, while I mull over the inexplicable ways a guy's mind functions, I think I shall write to/email the Telegraph and ask that instead of apologising for wasting my "elegant sari" on people so unfit to wear them, they might apologise for practicing gender discrimination right on their front page.

I Would Have Hated the 1950s

Was it really this bad back then?

What Can I Say?!

I've lived in IIT all my life, first in Kanpur, then in Delhi. My father is an alumnus and a professor. So, I tend to take comments and discussions about IIT a little defensively, even though I'm not actually part of the instituion. But this is un-defendable. I came across it yesterday, and it I'm very glad to see that it's had a quite an impact.... there are many blogs talking [ranting] about it.

I don't have anything new or highly creative to say about this, so read this and this and this. They say everything I want to. I'm just glad I was in class when I first came saw the link, because I would have definitely shouted at someone if I didn't have time to cool down first.

PANIIT did change the programme a little bit. But, as Abi says, small mercies indeed.